The husband travels a lot. Mostly in the summer months but never the less, I am mom-solo 3 or more days per week. When Daddy is gone, sometimes Cosmo gets to sleep in my bed with me. Last night was a doozy…. He woke up crying TWICE! What the hell is that? He’s six, we don’t DO this… 4 teeth grinding elbow and knee jabbing hours later (poor kid, had a rough night), I wake up to the sound of the littlest Klooster in the next room making the most adorable baby sounds EVER! My response, because I’m a very good mother, was oh dear God…shut the F@%K up! Of course I say this in my head and without breathing. I know that his tiny baby sonar will zero in on even the slightest lung noise… No. Must. Not. Breathe. Damn, breathe hell…I’ve got to pee!

I held it as long as I could, angelic coos and gahs coming from the next room right through the paper walls. It’s something I dreamed about when he was still in my womb, but seriously… Shut it kid! I need 30 more minutes! So, back to the pee walk. Why is my house so noisy? Every door creaks in time with each floor board “How charming our new house has hard wood throughout!” Eff this hardwood. Loud wood, that’s what they should call it! Loud freaking, you’ll never get one over on your selfish little baby because it screams with every step, wood. I made it and tinkled and…. Holy Mother I FLUSHED!!!! What was I thinking? It’s over now. He’s sure to start bellowing at any moment. I hurry back to my bed, still seeking that elusive extra 30 Saturday minutes. I slide into bed amongst the elbows and teeth.

All is silent. No coos or whimpers, no grinding or whines. It’s perfect peace in this swearing mom’s home. I can’t sleep and I want to hold that sweet baby.