Ask The Swearing Mom: There’s too much porn in my marriage

When my girlfriend suggested that I do an “Ask The Swearing Mom” segment on my page, I first thought “How presumptuous it would be of me to think anyone would want my advice!” my next thought was that it might be fun! I expected to get questions about a good barbecue sauce or a fun activity for a play date. I wasn’t expecting to get such serious questions. Upon reading this next question, I almost just shut this segment down. I’m not a therapist and am not qualified to counsel anyone on well, anything. However, after thinking about it, I decided that if a person feels like baring their soul to me, a complete stranger, that must be somewhat cathartic and possibly, they might benefit from the experiences and opinions of my readers. So, please share your thoughts in the comments or private message them to me for anonymity and I will post them in the thread. Be helpful and kind or your comment will be deleted.

Dear Swearing Mom,

After a long 25ish years of learning to love myself, I find that my husband (though he would never admit it) is more into porn than he is me. I feel my self esteem plummeting. He will deny it to no end but I’m not dumb. He lies about watching it as well as anything else he does while watching it. This has been an ongoing issue for a long time. It’s different now though. For the first time EVER, I feel sexual and crave that intimacy. Lots of it. I feel like a horny 18 year old boy whose hormones are off the charts. It’s like I’m in the role of a man begging my tired wife with a headache to have sex with me. I didn’t have my first orgasm until my late 20s. My desire for that to happen with my husband is off the charts! He seems so uninterested. I’ve tried spicing it up and nothing works. How do I get him interested in me? I have heard watching it together as a couple can be good. Unfortunately, that is not an option. As a little girl, I was molested by a man that watched it while he did it. I cannot get past that. I have tried it though and quite frankly, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. I love sex without it and find it an unnecessary addition in order to enjoy my husband. For me, the deception from him and what happened to me as a young lady has ruined any possibility of us enjoying it together.

Signed, A Real Life Wife

Dear Real,

I think this situation is pretty common. You are not alone. I’ve never really cared for pornography myself. The sex industry is notoriously exploitive (though, I’ve heard that many performers, make a lot of money and enjoy their work), I might take bigger issue with the fact that it’s just not feasible for people to use it as a guide for their sexual expectations. I can’t pretend to understand what makes it SO captivating to some folk, it has always felt kinda cheesy to me. I think there is too much of it out there and it’s far too easily accessed. I’m not trying to get on an anti-porn soapbox here, though. Consenting adults should do what makes them feel good and that includes the choice to get naked and fuck… errrr… earning a living in the porn industry, but let’s be real… In our super-sized lives, it’s not terribly surprising that people aren’t practicing moderation in their use of pornography. Too much of anything is bad and it’s my opinion that too much porn can kind of ruin you for reality. I’m not a prude but likewise, porn isn’t real! It’s called fantasy for a reason. I’ve got nothing against large breasts, penises and spray on tans, but that “look” isn’t a reflection of the general public. We come in all shapes and sizes and are not less sexual for it. All of that being said and assuming that we are talking about mainstream porn and nothing that is harming another creature, I will jump back to your particular situation.

If your husband is genuinely uninterested in sex with you, THAT is a problem! There are so many possibilities that could factor into the reasoning, I can’t even begin to guess. I’m going to assume that you know that his parts are all in good working order, for starters. Next, if you haven’t already, ask him why he isn’t interested. Have a non-angry conversation and let him know that you genuinely want to solve the problem together. Try to be objective and open minded and pause before responding. Being angry or judgmental might exasperate the problem. Lastly, if you have done these things or if you try them and they don’t work, I would suggest therapy. There are all sorts of resources out there for you guys! There are sex therapists, intimacy coaches, and the tried and true marriage counseling. I truly believe that the solution to your intimacy problems will present themselves once you are having productive conversations about this. I’m guessing that you two love each other and that a happy marriage is something you’d like to strive for together. You’re gonna have to put in some work and encourage him to do the same.

I would like to encourage anyone reading this with experience in this area to chime in. This is not a terribly familiar situation for me but I KNOW it’s not uncommon.

I hope you will update me in the future, Real Life Wife. I am right here rooting for ya!

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