What’s it like to be the fattest girl in the room… like, every room… all the time. Well, I guess it would be devastating for some. Maybe it would make some girls become introverts. Maybe in some cases, it would make a girl become a recluse. In my case, I often forget that I am, indeed, the fattest girl in the room. I live in LA. You know, the land of the beautiful and perpetually thin, right? Well, sort of. There are still plenty of fat chicks around, but what fat actually is, has become a bit distorted. That’s another post, though. I am actually fat. Not because society and the media says so, but because I weigh too much. Maybe, I’m just not tall enough! Possibly, I would have the perfect BMI if I were say, 7’2″. People don’t like the word fat. They want to soften it to “curvy” or “voluptuous”. Maybe they prefer “heavy” or “thick”. The words don’t matter much to me, I’m good with calling a duck a fat ass duck.
Listen, I love myself. The self that I am right now. This very instant. Do not confuse that with the idea that I am satisfied and complacent, though. There is room for great and powerful improvement. Like 50 pounds of improvement, if I’m being honest. But, hating myself right now isn’t gonna change a damn thing. The only thing it might do is make it that much harder to be motivated. It might make me too self conscious to be active. It might kill me socially. It might give me a chip on my shoulder… Frankly, the extra weight is enough to carry around. No room for chips, bitches! Speaking of chips, I want to address diet and diets. So… they don’t work. I mean, you can lose a few pounds with an actual diet. You might even manage to keep it off but, it’s about lifestyle and I would bet dollars to donuts (mmmm… donuts) that other fat girls, like myself, can look at what they eat and how much they move their bodies and know exactly why they are fat. The doing something about it is the hard part. I’ve never been afraid of a challenge but, this is a hell of a climb. So, I am working on my mind set. Self control is key… and I have none. Saying no to the treats and yes to the work out is what I’m going for. If I do that more often, I may still be fat but I might live longer and I might feel better, and hey, if I shed a few pounds on the way, great!
You may have read that I recently returned to hot yoga. If I disliked myself, I’m not sure I could do this. I need every bit of gumption I’ve got to walk into that room loud and proud! The people that go are not all perfect. Some are, trust me. Their tight asses and toned arms are things of beauty! Some, however are a bit flabby and loose, some are even fat! I am still the fattest girl in the room. Like I said, in every room… all the time. I am the fattest of my girlfriends, both old and new. I’m the fattest girl in my department at work. I am definitely the fattest girl in the yoga studio and I am certainly and probably most disheartening, the fattest of all of my husband’s friends wives. I still love me, though.
Part of the reason I am able to love myself throughout my journey is because my husband does. Not just out of obligation and not in a “she’s got a pretty face” sort of way. He’s into me, yo! He tells me and shows me that he is attracted to me and desires me. That, my friends, is a keeper. He’s only part of the reason, though. Remember a couple paragraphs ago when I said that I sometimes have to remind myself that I’m fat? It’s true. I know it might sound stupid but, I have the self esteem of a thin girl. Maybe even more than. I refuse to feel bad about my body. I want to be more fit. I want to weigh less. I want to look better in and out of clothes and I want to wear what I want without tugging and adjusting. I want to be taken seriously in a first impression and not have to prove that I am a god damned force to be reckoned with!
It wasn’t always that way. When I was at my heaviest, I was sitting around on my fat ass breastfeeding my kid all day every day. I was not trying hard at anything in my life but being a mom. I allowed my child to be EVERYTHING. Mind you, I am still very focused on parenting, but I have found balance. I found the space to be both mother and woman and because of this, I believe that I am actually better at both. Here’s the deal… I have a full time job that is both challenging and rewarding, I am extremely active in the extra curricular activities of my children, I help with homework and I make homemade dinner most nights. I am a good wife and partner. I foster the relationships I have with my girlfriends by making sure we spend time together and by being available
wine whine (haha subconscious slip! I had to leave it in) they need me. I have a busy blog and am not afraid of the work that’s needed to maintain it. I’ve written a book! None of these things have to do with my size, but all could be affected by it if I let them. Instead, I choose not to! It’s my choices that matter! So, instead of choosing to feel bad about me and let that ugliness creep into aspects of my life, I am choosing more wisely. I choose to chase my kids, even though I jiggle… a lot. I choose to be confident in my professional life, even though I’m the fattest girl in the room. I choose to have sex with my husband! I choose to keep the lights on and not care about how my stomach looks when we’re in the moment! I choose the moment! I choose to be true to me and to love me. I choose to let that shit trickle into my life. I choose love… And that includes loving me. Swearing Mom out.