Dear Diary, I was sad today and I decided that it was ok.
Ok, you aren’t my diary and most of you probably don’t care too terribly much about my mood, but I’m certain of one thing… You’ve all been sad. Chances are, you’ve also been told “cheer up!” Or “don’t be sad!”. Don’t be sad… Can you really help it? Sad is sad, right?
I wasn’t moping around in a state of gloom all day but, there was an underlying sadness there regardless. The anniversary of the passing of my best friend is coming up in less than two weeks and I am particularly sad this year. I read an article about a lovely country artist, I believe her name is Joey, who is spending her last days in hospice loving her baby. When I say “read” I really mean, I got through a few lines and decided it was best not to completely lose my shit at work. I didn’t click the little X in the corner fast enough to keep a flood of emotions from hitting me like a ton of bricks. Damn it! Why does cancer exist? Why do people have to be ripped from their lives? The injustice of it all was overwhelming. Much like the little X in the corner, I switched it off. Must. Be. Sane. At. Work.
Then I went to yoga. I walked into the hot room, I laid out my mat and my towel, I sat in the dark and quietly wept. Five minutes passed and the instructor entered. Hurry, Jenny! Wipe your face! Must. Be. Sane. At. Yoga. Something struck me then… Why? Why must I push my sadness away? This is MY yoga practice and I’ll cry if I want to! Fuck it! I decided in that moment that I would not dictate how my emotions were in class today. Instead, I would embrace them and let THEM lead ME. I found strength in this. I spoke to my dearly departed (in my head) and I asked her to be with me. Maybe it’s all bullshit in my mind but, giving myself permission to be sad and feeling her with me, meant something. I cried three times in class and I’m not sorry. Not hard sobbing kind of crying but tears for sure. Who could tell anyway since I was sweating BALLS, it just mixed itself right in.
All I know is this; I had a great class! Very strong and full of purpose. I truly believe that allowing myself to feel what I felt without guilt or shame, was powerful. So, do yourself a favor sometime. Don’t deny yourself the process. Respect your feelings and embrace them. It’s what keeps us human. Swearing Mom out.