I once knew a quirky girl, she was very loud and boisterous… She also became part of who I am.

My best friend of 25 years passed away, one year ago today. It doesn’t even seem possible. I miss her terribly. I miss her hand in my life, but more importantly in the lives of her family. She had such a good perspective on parenting. She was pretty loose but also didn’t take shit off of the kiddos. She had a pretty good balance, in retrospect. I didn’t give her enough credit. I was too critical of her and I wish I had shut the fuck up sometimes instead of arguing with her. I look back and think, “what a waste of precious time”. If she were her to interject, she would tell me that we argued together and that she loved me for all of it. I find comfort in that.

Selfishly, I just want her to talk to again. We used to chat almost daily on my commute. The last few years of her life, I was committed to making the best of our time together. I think she was too. Our conversations were deep. She had somehow found comfort in spite of her terminal illness and we spoke at length about her wishes. We also spoke about what she thought death was, particularly what would happen after. I know that she had some level of fear but I wonder now, if it was more about what would come of the people she left behind, not for herself. She was pretty caring that way. Such a generous heart… She really was the “shirt off her back” type.

I don’t know, lady… I’m trying to keep my promises to you. They are harder than I thought they’d be. I just miss you… SO much. You really did take a piece of me with you. You are still alive through your memory. I talk about you often… I suppose you know that. I have little happy reminders of you… Of us, all over my house, my car, my office. Hahahaha these new friends of mine must think I’m obsessed. I’m not, though. I’m just not ready to not have my life full of you. I still need you and if the comfort of your memory is what I get, I’ll take it.

I love you, lady. As much now as I ever did. Thanks for everything. Thanks for being the unwavering, always changing, kinda crazy, super loud, often laughing, always caring, lunatic that was you. I love you, I love you, I love you.